i don't love you (but i always will)
by WardenN7
Summary: And the words "failure" and "disappointment" and "why?" ring through his head, and continue to do so, days and months and years later.


He clutches the black mask while curled up in himself, a victim to the bitter cold. His hands run over the long, smooth ears on his mask, and when he shivers he holds back his tears. He can't cry. He doesn't deserve to cry.

_The CCG reports a 99% ghoul extermination rate._

The words echo in his head over and over and over.

"Aneki…"

He wishes he had told her the truth. That he had never lied to her. That he had never_left _her.

Then again, he was selfish. Had always been selfish, even when he was a boy. Even when he was the brother.

"_Ayato, you're the brother, so that means you have to protect Touka no matter what."_

(He hates that old, stupid man. Hates him for how he invades his thoughts with stern but gentle warnings, always containing the words _protection _and _Touka, _hates him for the way he shows up in his dreams, always disappointed in him. He hates him _so much._

And he hates him even more when his heart aches for him. When he sees him in dreams with his saddened gaze, he hates how he wants to reach out, to touch him with his fingers, even for a second, eyes wide and almost hopeful in the right light. Hates how that despicable man vanishes away at the last moment, like he is nothing but air, with a smile on his face that speaks of his bounds of endless love, even if he looks at him in disappointment.

"_I love you, Ayato. I do."_

"_Then why would you leave us alone?"_)

_He_ left her alone though. He supposes that makes him as big a hypocrite as his father. He left, because he was angry and childish, unable to control his emotions, wanting nothing more than to _fight _and _hurt _and _kill. _He would kill the Doves for what they had done, and for what they threatened to do still.

"_You've protected Touka-chan, haven't you?"_

He hates him, too. That man who Yamori had tortured and was going to kill, but ended up being eaten instead, beaten in his own game. He hates how easily that half-breed beat _him_, how he had held _him _down with the promise to only _half kill him. _His body twitches uncomfortably just thinking about it. He hates what the one-eyed freak has done to him.

He hates how he saved Touka like he did. Rushing in as if he was some sort of tragic knight, coming to save his princess. And Touka's face when he had picked her up and saved her from her own _brother, _as if she could not be more relieved than in that moment, eyes wide with surprise.

He appreciates him for it, too. It gave him a good enough reason to leave her be and to focus on him instead. He is relieved when she is taken away from him and into safety. More than he could possibly say.

(He whispers his apologies in Aogiri's measly medical wards, long after everyone has fallen asleep. It does not matter that she can't hear him. He doesn't want her to. Telling her that he was sorry would mean nothing in her eyes, and he knows this. He is beyond the point of forgiveness.)

He holds his emotions closer to himself after that, like they're cards he holds close to his chest, desperate to keep their secrets to himself and himself alone, until he is ready to play his hand. He would not be accused of disloyalty against the Tree. So he leaves things as they are, and does not touch them, and he hopes for the best.

And it seems like his hopes are coming true. Things have calmed down, and he is averting the attention to himself, the new Rabbit. Until they aren't, and the CCG are raiding the entire 20th ward, and when he hears of how they're targeting Anteiku he panics. He runs, grabs his cloak and his mask, ready to do _something, _but he is stopped by Tatara, and he knows that he's too late.

_Stay here, Ayato, _Tatara tells him.

Ayato knows better than to argue. Tatara's face is calm and deadly, and Ayato realizes that he _knows. _He knew he would panic, would try to run for Touka. He knows how weak he really is.

He can do nothing more than stay put. What else can he do? Disobey and run to Touka, but be killed for treason in the process?

The words _brother _and _protect _and _Touka _course through his brain again, and he recognizes Arata's voice. He falls to his knees and clutches his head, shaking back and forth, screaming for him to stop, to leave him alone, please _please please pleasepleasepleaseplease._

He falls over, is exhausted, and as he lies on the floor, he is still enough that some children passing by think he's dead. He can't bring himself to snap at them. Everything is gone. There's no way...with the CCG and Aogiri, there's no way they can make it.

_You could've done something, Ayato._

_You could've ran, even after Tatara left._

_You're smarter, quicker, stronger than all of them. You know this._

_You let them beat you._

_You let them kill your sister, Ayato._

_Don't you love her?_

_Weren't you supposed to protect her?_

"Shut up…" he murmurs, clutching the mask to his chest, shivering and so very close to tears. "You don't know anything. I tried to protect her. I…"

There's no point in trying to fight it. The voice has disappeared once more, content with leaving Ayato in his current state. Ayato hates his father even more now. Even in death he refuses to leave him alone. He haunts him with words and broken promises.

He rocks himself on the cold ground. When it begins to rain, it leaks through their worn ceiling, and drops on him and everywhere surrounding him. It's cold, he knows, but he doesn't notice. He doesn't believe he can feel any more cold, any more numb, any more empty than now.

He laughs softly at how weak he is. _He's weak. _He admits this to himself. There's no one for him anymore to pretend and act strong for.

When Aogiri returns (in much fewer numbers) with tired and worn faces, Ayato is horrified. When he looks to Tatara there is no emotion on his face as always. He is confused by the man, the _human, _who introduces himself as Dr. Kanou. He retracts himself, stares in confusion, looks to Tatara and Eto and _everyone, _and before he does anything stupid he forces himself to walk back to his room, fists clenched and shaking.

It is only the next day, when spies for Aogiri come in to tell the news they've heard from the CCG, that everything Ayato has been trying to hold together has been kicked over without care.

"_The CCG reports a 99% ghoul extermination rate, Tatara."_

_Failed once more, Ayato. At least Touka _tried _to keep her part of the deal._

He doesn't argue with his father's voice.

He was right, after all.

And the words _failure _and _disappointed _and _why?_ ring through his head, and continue to do so, days and months and years later.

.

.

.

.

"Ayato," Eto calls out, and he turns to face his superior. When he spots a rather short girl, with short brown hair, and short clothes, and short _everything _he raises a brow. He looks to Eto, to the almost familiar looking girl (_where have I seen her before?_), and back to Eto again.

"Who the hell is this?"

"This is Fueguchi Hinami. I met her many months ago, gave her my number and everything, and now she's called me for help, and I was more than happy to oblige."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"I'm getting to that. Our lovely Hinami here has dual wielding kagunes. Koukaku and Rinkaku."

"And?"

"I want you to teach her how to fight. She's never been taught how, and you're one of the best fighters we have left after the raid."

He looks the new girl up and down, unimpressed with her meek eyes and shaking stance. He rolls his eyes and turns to Eto once more.

"Can't you just put her on cleaning duty? Dual wielding kagunes are rare. How do you expect me to teach her anything?"

"I thought you'd try to argue. She's one of the few survivors from the raid of Anteiku, Ayato. I seem to remember you saying how much you _hated _them. Maybe this is your perfect chance to let out all of this pent up rage. Surely you also understand how valuable she is."

Her eyes contradict her words. She's like a snake, he thinks. Swift and stealthy, and she knew what she was doing the entire time, and now she has struck him with her poison, and he has no antidote.

Or maybe this girl was supposed to be his antidote.

You could never really tell with Eto.

"I…" he looks back to Hinami, who flinches under his hard gaze. He stares at her, and realizes that he was correct in thinking she was familiar. He remembers all those months ago, when he went to Anteiku for the first time in years, seeing this girl for a moment, standing besides Touka, before she fled from danger.

"I'll do it," he mutters. "If she can't keep up then it's not my problem."

He thinks he can hear Eto's agreement, Hinami's worried breaths, but he's not sure. His ears ring unpleasantly, and he feels his hands trembling, so he leaves to go back to his room. Back to his only sanctuary.

He's failed Touka. More than he could say. She is dead and gone, and he didn't know if this Fueguchi Hinami even has a connection to Touka, but that doesn't matter. He would teach her, and he would show her how to _survive._

_For you, stupid Aneki. _


End file.
